Wind her up and watch her go!

10:57 p.m. Georgetown, DC.
It's exciting to watch Karina become more and more independent! We flew into Washington Dulles airport last night and hit the ground running today. Other than the opening welcome session, Business School Dean's session and the closing convocation, where parents and students were together, she split off on her own for the student sessions. We parted ways about 7 p.m. so she could meet Mary B. for dinner, then go bowling with Courtney C. 'til 1 a.m. I won't see her again until tomorrow night for a night cab ride around the monuments. She's probably staying with friends again--to get the full "Georgetown Experience".

She reminds me of one of those little wind-up toys. All they need is a little crank in the beginning, then they're off!

Georgetown is a fantastic school/place. The students are welcoming and enthusiastic about their work and activities. The ones we've met are spirited and passionate. The curriculum includes ethics, values, service, relationships, loyalty... not just achievement. Pretty cool!

A Hierarchy of Intentions

Today I realized that we all have intentions, even Sarah the dog, but mine is often the weakest in the bunch. Are intentions the same as will? as determination? In our household, I often look for a compromise solution where everyone's intentions and desires can be satisfied. I love an elegant (and efficient) solution. But the downside is running the risk that no one person is wholly satisfied.

Most times, I don't mind subordinating my intentions to someone else's. Others can decide where to go, what to eat, it doesn't really matter to me as long as they are happy. Even Sarah gets into the act, dictating when and where she wants to walk on any given day. But it can be like a shouting match. The strongest brainbeam gets its way.

Because I've cultivated such an opinionated bunch, I've got to learn to exercise my brainbeam, too--or else I force myself to wait until everyone else is away. All it does is build resentment. Not good. Therefore, it's time to elbow my way back in.

So why is it that today I asked God for a sign about how to get things back together and I end up losing all of my appointment data on my palm pilot? I don't know where I've been or where I'm supposed to go. That has always been my biggest fear. Now here I am. OK, now what? I suppose if I deal with my biggest fear (and frustration), then the rest really doesn't matter. OK, so I'm a woman with no future and no past. It forces me to live in the present. AS nice as it sounds, I'm not sure that's practical.

Welcome to my Playground

Dear Family,
In case I don't share enough with you about what really goes on in my life/mind, I'm inviting you to my playground--my mind--where I have the most fun. Feel free to read, ask questions, comment...or not. I'm not much on the phone. I don't disclose much or often, but I love to think about things. I hope to spend more of my time here in the future. This is the best way for me to bring you along.

love always,
Tonia

Happy 80th Birthday Dad!

My Dad, Kang Chao, famed professor and scholar, turns 80 today. As we speak, he and mom are on a Princess cruise en route from Hong Kong to Keelung, Taiwan.

My Playground

The most exciting place in the world...
is in my head. I can spend days, weeks, lifetimes even, at the playground in my head. I can go places, learn things, write scripts, see movies, savor new experiences and best of, relive favorite memories--all without moving a muscle.

I had dinner with Mike's parents last night. His mom asked where I lived and how many kids I had. My heart broke. I love Zaza dearly. We shared so many happy times. Watching her memories dim makes me realize that the way I live my life is forcing my own memories to dim, also.

I was so sad last night. I have this wonderful playground, but I don't spend much time visiting it anymore. I spend most of my time taking care of other people's business. As a result, I feel my playground is receding into the distance. It takes longer to get there. When I finally arrive, I don't remember half the things I want to do there. Then I have to spend so much time traveling back to my real world.

I would love a chunk of time to just go there and play without a care in the world. That means that I would know that the kids are taken care of, that Mike's needs are met, the dog is walked and fed, etc. That I can leave and take care of myself without feeling guilty or feeling like I am being irresponsible or abandoning the family. That's the hard part. There is never a time that is "convenient" for others. If I take off, it is always "inconvenient" for others and I see it in their faces. How nice it would be to live in a supportive environment--"Hey, you should go and take some time for yourself. We'll manage. Don't worry. We love you and we know you love us."

I'm feeling stretched and depleted. Must regroup and get it together again.

Photo: The slide at Henry Vilas Park in Madison, Wisconsin where I grew up.

MENTAL CONSTIPATION

Dark days. My mind is about to burst with ideas, reflections, stories. My memory can't hold on to them long enough to write down. It's like waking up in the morning and trying to grasp onto the last puffs of an evaporating dream. Such frustration! I feel that all of my ideas have slipped beyond my grasp, into oblivion. I'm frustrated beyond belief that I don't carve out enough time to write. I cry out of sadness for my mind can no longer retain the thoughts I want to remember.