My Playground

The most exciting place in the world...
is in my head. I can spend days, weeks, lifetimes even, at the playground in my head. I can go places, learn things, write scripts, see movies, savor new experiences and best of, relive favorite memories--all without moving a muscle.

I had dinner with Mike's parents last night. His mom asked where I lived and how many kids I had. My heart broke. I love Zaza dearly. We shared so many happy times. Watching her memories dim makes me realize that the way I live my life is forcing my own memories to dim, also.

I was so sad last night. I have this wonderful playground, but I don't spend much time visiting it anymore. I spend most of my time taking care of other people's business. As a result, I feel my playground is receding into the distance. It takes longer to get there. When I finally arrive, I don't remember half the things I want to do there. Then I have to spend so much time traveling back to my real world.

I would love a chunk of time to just go there and play without a care in the world. That means that I would know that the kids are taken care of, that Mike's needs are met, the dog is walked and fed, etc. That I can leave and take care of myself without feeling guilty or feeling like I am being irresponsible or abandoning the family. That's the hard part. There is never a time that is "convenient" for others. If I take off, it is always "inconvenient" for others and I see it in their faces. How nice it would be to live in a supportive environment--"Hey, you should go and take some time for yourself. We'll manage. Don't worry. We love you and we know you love us."

I'm feeling stretched and depleted. Must regroup and get it together again.

Photo: The slide at Henry Vilas Park in Madison, Wisconsin where I grew up.