Old Sweaters

What happens if a sweater gets snagged on a nail and begins to unravel? What happens if the person wearing the sweater doesn't realize that her sweater is snagged and that by the time she walks home, she is wearing only a mile-long pink tail? At what point does the sweater stop existing? Is it the moment the last stitch falls out or is it when she realizes that she isn't wearing anything?

That's how I feel these days. My body is falling apart. Each day brings one more ache and/or pain. I can't sleep. I keep losing things. I have to write everything down because I can't trust that I'll remember it all. My S/I joint hurts my back. After 10+ days of that, my left knee is going out. I have a lump at the back of my head, most likely a swollen lymph gland. (But that brings no comfort since I still recall the day I took Angel in to see the vet because of a lump on her neck, which turned out to be terminal lymphoma.) I'm extra sensitive to rolling eyes, harumphs, furtive glances and innuendos. Did I already say I can't sleep at night?

I feel like my sweater has begun to unravel, but in my case, it's my body. I'm afraid of getting home to find out my sweater has been replaced by one long tail. My "sweater" will be gone but I'll still be around.

In the end, it's a good thing I'm not afraid of death. I think I'm just uncomfortable with not knowing. That's why I like deadlines and expiration dates. I wish we were born with an expiration date stamped on the bottom of our feet. At least it would give us a measure of how quickly to live our lives...

But I digress. I must return to mending my sweater.